THESE DAYS I THINK OF YOU LESS
WHEN MY EYES WAKE THEY NO LONGER SEARCH FOR YOUR SWEETNESS
I THINK MY HEART IS UPSET
MY MIND DON'T MIND, BUT REALLY IT'S MAKING ME STRESS
WHERE ARE THEY GOING? YOUR GOOD MORNING'S
THEY DON'T SEE ME SO IT MUST BE IMPORTANT

HALF OF ME IS WHO I THINK I USED TO BE
THE REST OF ME IS WHO I THINK I WANT TO BE
MOST OF ME KNOWS IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT ME
AND THAT I SHOULD JUST STOP BEING SELFISH, REALLY
BUT IT'S HARD
AND I'M WORRIED
THAT IF I DON'T SPEND TIME ON ME
THEN.. WHO WILL I BE

to find a dream
fulfillment
a purpose..
or is a dream to have
and not discover?

dabble in a million different mediums
love them all equal
particularly great at nothing

so which do you choose?
barely enough time spent to even consider
anything seriously 

get over the fear
and just
do it
already.

AND THEN I REALIZED

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU
AND HER..

IT'S ABOUT ME

THIS ANGUISH
THIS WORRY
EVEN THE HAPPINESS -

ALL OF THIS ENERGY 
NEEDS TO BE FOCUSED
ON ME.

BETTERING MYSELF.
EYE NEED TO SEE THE LIGHT.
EYE NEED YOU TO SEE THE LIGHT.

CHARCOAL FILTERS, 0800H

in the back of my mind

i can't help but think..

what if you

use these exact words
on her

would it mean as much?

coming from the tips of your fingers

and having them read 

thru the unseeing eyes

of a girl who only believes that she has seen love?

i have seen love.
i have seen what love can do to a sane soul.
i have felt love's gentle caress
and her sharp edge
i know that love, 
she knows no bounds

and yet it still comes to say
that if in the back of my mind
i can't help but think..

i don't love you
and
i don't trust her

I JUST WANT MY HEART AND MY HEAD TO BE AT PEACE. WITH EACH OTHER. TOGETHER. WHOLLY. 

the gravity of the emphasis on keeping yourself uncomfortable just hit me

like a bag of bricks to the chest
it should so be about keeping yourself uncomfortable. 

y'all are tryna get comfy & i'm just tryna step outta mine..

BE STRONG. BE SMART. BE KIND. BE POLITE. KNOW YOUR LAWS. BE AWARE. HAVE FUN. 

being the first born, i was faced with the challenge of overcoming many firsts with my parents. i don't know if it's because i'm a cancer; because i'm the eldest; or because of the way that my parents raised me.. but from a very young age i felt protective of my younger brothers. 

having been born at the start of the 90's, i have witnessed the surge of the technological revolution; the impact of media on youth (and now children); as well as the shift in reality for the younger generations.

the whole 'social media' thing was present when i first entered high school, but was not really anything huge. it was about halfway through my high school career that facebook blew up, and the 'ball began rolling', so to speak. i honestly believe that because of social media sites like facebook, children are being conditioned to being more self-aware, and in turn more self-conscious. 

it's obvious these days that children from ages 12-13 are acutely more aware of themselves and their peers. at such an impressionable age how healthy can this be? having your own personal profile in which you choose what others can view about you.. don't you think we're raising a generation of selfish, foolish, and self-absorbed children? 


BECAUSE THIS WORLD WILL FORCE YOU TO BECOME A MAN FAR MORE QUICKLY THAN YOU'LL EVER HAVE THE TIME TO KNOW. 

I'M PROBABLY JUST DELUSIONAL AND IN MY OWN HEAD..
BUT YOU DID CALL ME YOUR LADY AND SAID
"YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET."

WAITING GAME

I'M THINKING IT OVER THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL ALL SEXY BUT IT'S CAUSING ME SHAME I WANNA LEAN ON YOUR SHOULDER I WISH I WAS IN LOVE BUT I DON'T WANNA CAUSE ANY PAIN
AND IF I'M FEELING LIKE I'M EVIL, WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO GAIN
WHAT IF I NEVER EVEN SEE YOU CAUSE WE'RE BOTH ON A STAGE DON'T TELL ME LISTEN TO YOUR SONG BECAUSE IT ISN'T THE SAME I DON'T WANNA SAY YOUR LOVE IS A WAITING GAME
BABY I'M THINKING IT OVER WHAT IF THE WAY WE STARTED MADE IT SOMETHING CURSED FROM THE START WHAT IF IT ONLY GETS COLDER WOULD YOU STILL WRAP ME UP AND TELL ME THAT YOU THINK THIS WAS SMART
CAUSE LATELY I'VE BEEN SCARED OF EVEN THINKING ABOUT WHERE WE ARE
WHAT IF I NEVER EVEN SEE YOU CAUSE WE'RE BOTH ON A STAGE DON'T TELL ME LISTEN TO YOUR SONG BECAUSE IT ISN'T THE SAME I DON'T WANNA SAY YOUR LOVE  IS A WAITING GAME
WHAT IF I NEVER EVEN SEE YOU CAUSE WE'RE BOTH ON A STAGE DON'T TELL ME LISTEN TO YOUR SONG BECAUSE IT ISN'T THE SAME I DON'T WANNA SAY YOUR LOVE IS A WAITING GAME

LINES

THESE LINES

WHERE ARE THEY DRAWN?

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO STOP WHEN THERE IS NO LIGHT?

RUNNING REDS

YOU HIT THE STREETS

AND TELL ME TO CLOSE MY EYES

THEN THERE IS SOME TIME..

AND WHEN I WAKE I FIND MYSELF LOST
RUBBING THE FLEETING DREAMS OF THE NIGHT BEFORE FROM MY EYES
I AM AT THE END OF THE RABBIT HOLE
OR MAYBE THE BEGINNING

BUT WHO CAN TELL
WHEN THE ENDS, THEY MEET
UNLIKE OUR UNDERSTANDING

THE DIRECTION, I AM UNCERTAIN OF

THE REASON, WE DISREGARD - AT LEAST WITH THIS I AM CERTAIN

BUT TELL ME

HOW THEN WILL OUR EYES LOCK FOR THE FIRST TIME

ALL OF THESE PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS WOULD IDEALLY BE CHECKED AT THE DOOR -

AND THEY SAY THAT EXPECTATIONS ARE THE ROOT OF DISAPPOINTMENT

BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT MOLD A MENTAL IMAGE

OF YOU

WITH ME

US

TOGETHER

FOR THE FIRST TIME

A.M.

THESE MORNINGS
THEY'VE BEEN A LITTLE BIT LESS OF YOU..
A LITTLE MORE DISTANCE
I CAN FEEL IT - IT FILLS ME UP - FILLING THE RIFT 
BETWEEN US, THAT TECHNICALLY NEVER DID EXIST.

IT NEVER DID.
HOW CAN ONE BE SPLIT WITHOUT EVER REALLY BEING ONE?
A FAULT WE MADE

A BREAK IN AN OPEN SPACE.

THAT SPACE
IT FEELS ETERNAL
AS IF THE ROAD THAT FILLS IN THE BLANK 
OF OVER TWO THOUSAND MILES
WAS SOMETHING THAT WE WOULD FREQUENT

BUT IT NEVER WAS..
PROBABLY IN THE SHADOWS OF MY MIND, AND MAYBE IN YOURS

BECAUSE OUR SPIRITS, YOU SEE
THEY BEAT US TO THE PUNCH LINE.
THEY HUG AND THEY KISS AND THEY MAKE LOVE
THE RIFT BRIMS, TEEMING WITH THE ESSENCE OF US..
US WHO HAVE NEVER TOUCHED.

OUR SOULS
THEY DANCE AND THEY LAUGH AT THE ILLUSIVE ANGUISH
BUT ULTIMATELY, IT IS UNDERSTOOD
CONSCIOUS OR UNCONSCIOUS - WILLING OR UNWILLING 
TO ADMIT THAT YOU ARE MINE
AND I AM YOURS

FOR NOW.
WE LAZE IN THE LIMBO
THAT SEPARATES OUR SOMATIC SENSIBILITY
FROM WHAT OUR HEARTS ALREADY KNOW.

UNTITLED

IT WAS PROBABLY THE WAY THAT YOU SANG ME TO SLEEP
YOUR PERSISTENCE TO LULL ME TO DREAMS 
UNTIL THE VERY LAST WHISPER OF CONSCIOUSNESS WAS SWEPT FROM MY LIPS.

HOW YOU MISS SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER HELD

I'M WRACKING MY BRAIN HERE.
WE'VE NEVER MET.
WELL, "MET" MET. BUT I GUESS THIS IS DIFFERENT..
YOU HIT ME UP AND I HIT YOU BACK
YOU STARTED CALLING AND I STARTED PICKING UP
IN AN AGE OF TECHNOLOGY, WHERE ARE THE LINES DRAWN?

AN AT HERE..
A DM THERE..

YOU'VE GOT A WAY WITH YOUR WORDS, AND THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.
I ACTUALLY LOVE QUITE A FEW THINGS ABOUT YOU -
OR MAYBE IT'S THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL
BUT DON'T TRIP
THIS IS NOT LOVE
AS IN, IN LOVE

AND YET
WHEN I DON'T HEAR FROM YOU ALL DAY IT MAKES ME SICK
YOUR MESSAGES, THEY WAKE ME SMILING
NONETHELESS
I THOUGHT THIS ANXIETY WAS MY BODY COMING OFF THE NICOTINE..
WITHDRAWALS, MAYBE
AND THEN I REALIZED 

I'M NOT ADDICTED TO NICOTINE.
I'M ADDICTED TO YOU.

YOUR WORDS. THEY SLIDE OFF THE SCREEN AND LEAP STRAIGHT DOWN MY THROAT, ONLY TO PIERCE THROUGH MY HEART.
YOU SAID, "GORGEOUS WOMAN.. KEEP ME ON YOUR MIND"
AND I DID. AND YOU KEPT ME ON YOURS.
I CONFESSED TO YOU THAT I WANT YOU
AND YOU SIMPLY REPLIED, "THEN HAVE ME" 
YOUR OBSESSION WITH MY SMILE
YOUR FIXATION ON MY CHEEKS..

MAYBE I JUST NEED YOU TO START AT MY LIPS..
I WONDER HOW YOU KISS
FIND EVERY SPOT ON MY BODY
AND LOOK INTO MY EYES
AS WE
BECOME
ONE.


BUT YOU'RE NOT HERE
AND I'M NOT THERE

MAYBE I'M JUST LONELY
OR CRAVING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY



TWENTY TWO HOURS 
SINCE MY IMESSAGE 
WAS THEN RELAYED AS A TEXT MESSAGE
LEFT UNANSWERED.

BUT ALAS -
TWO MINUTES
SINCE MY LAST ONE 
ASKED ME TO BE HIS NEW ONE
AND I AM LEFT 
CONTEMPLATING.............
THIS IS A FLAW OF "MY GENERATION"
WHOM I LOVE TO BLAME
THESE DAYS.

OBLIGATORY

CONSIDER THIS MY OBLIGATORY "I'M BACK ON BLOGGER" POST.
I WANT TO START WRITING AGAIN, AND THIS IS GOING TO BE MY SORT-OF JOURNAL.
I'M MOSTLY HOPING TO BE ABLE TO START WRITING MORESO WITHOUT CENSORING MYSELF.
(I'M PRETTY SELF-CONSCIOUS - BUT WHO THE FUCK ISN'T THESE DAYS?)
OH, AND I THINK THIS ALL-CAPS THING IS JUST A PHASE.

XX